A Guide to Young People: Written by a young person who knows nothing of young people

-Indie Kids:
Definition: Indie kids are in summary kids who are trying to be cool by ironically being not cool because they are in fact, too cool to conform to be cool. This entirely falls apart because A) they are in fact trying to be cool which makes they’re trying to not be cool moot and B) they are trying to not conform but wind up conforming to supposed nonconformity. Needless to say they’re annoying twats and there are theories that postulate that they are humans who have been taken over by a parasite that in fact thrives on annoying circles of logic such as the one listed above.
How to Spot One: Indie kids can easily be spotted by a number of identifying traits
1. Random combinations of extremely bright colors. it’s a well known fact that Indie kids are devoted fans of NBC and display their colors proudly wherever they go.
2. Hooded sweatshirts. Indie kids have a natural affinity for hooded sweatshirts but only checked ones displaying the afore mentioned colors. A side effect caused by the parasite that inhabit’s the bodies of these unfortunate children is spontaneous desire to display their vast intelligence through games of skill such as chess. Wearing the checked sweatshirts prevents them from having to carry around boards to play these games on, allowing them to free up space in their messenger bags for Chuck Palahniuk or Ayn Rand novels. Note also that indie kids will only wear name brand (but not name brand-name brand) clothing. Daddy doesn’t make six figures so his kid can be ironic cut-rate.
3. The Pea Coat. Unfortunately, as indie culture has spread so has this abomination, making this not much of an indicator anymore. However no indie kid will be without his pea coat, so its safe to say that anyone without one is NOT an indie kid. There are a number of different theories behind the pea coat but most major ones agree on two points. That the pea coat originated as a ploy by indie children to choose a form of outerwear that was so unattractive and useless at providing warmth that no one would ever steal it. As well as that when, for whatever reason, the pea coat did become main stream, the indie children didn’t cast it off as mainstream as a joke on the rest of society, silently laughing as they suffer along with all the indie kids.
4. Scarves. In order to make up for the lack of warmth provided their unfortunate choice of outerwear indie kids wear scarves. They use these scarves to display their left-wing media pride colors as well. It is rumored that these scarves are woven from the souls of people indie kids have smothered with their smugness.
5. Messenger Bags. These contain all the supplies indie kids need to be indie kids. Any number of the following things will be found in an indie kid’s messenger bag: an ipod: knit cap: knit mittens: tea: pipe or assorted drug paraphernalia: marijuana or other recreational drugs: Ayn Rand/Chuck Palahniuk/John Steinbeck novels: oversized headphones: a walkman: CD’s from any of the following artists The Shins, The Strokes, Beck, Vampire Weekend, Radiohead, Passion Pit, Arctic Monkeys, Dr. Dogg, Flight of the Concords, Wilco, or Spoon: a camera or sketchbook, all indie kids are aspiring photographers or artists: mug for any number of warm beverages but most likely tea (field research has told us that this is because being stereotypically British became un-cool after the whole “British invasion” thing died down, so now its cool to ironically be British). These messenger bags will also be decorated with buttons either displaying vague liberal political messages or jokes that only other indie kids will understand.
6. Footwear. This is a fairly diverse group amongst indie kids but usually is comprised of some sort of skateboarding shoe or the converse that come in a little under 37,000 colors. Having this many colors at their disposal makes it possible for indie kids to match their shoes to their outfit while simultaneously having a shade slightly different so it doesn’t quite match. Another theory behind these colorful shoes is that it enables them to confuse and almost hypnotize their prey. If you ever hear a girl talking to an indie kid about how much she likes his shoes in a slightly dazed voice, she is undoubtedly hypnotized: the only way to save her is to douse her in the most readily available liquid and begin singing Van Halen. Van Halen is the only known thing with enough power to break indie kids demon magic and that is also incapable of being subverted by indie kids to be used for their own devious purposes. The authors of this book recommend “Drop Dead Legs” in particular. Indie kids hate that song.
As a brief summary, there are some defining characteristics on indie kid attire but it can often be difficult to pick out an indie kid amongst a crowd thanks to today’s fashion trends. An overall good rule of thumb is that if someone looks like they’re trying to look like someone who isn’t trying to look like an extra in a Wes Anderson film, chances are they’re an indie kid. Also if the person has a visible aura of smugness and self entitlement hang over them like smoke over a gym teacher on his lunch break, they are most definitely indie.
How to navigate a conversation with indie kids:
Conversations between indie kids are for the most part posturing contests to see who can be the most sarcastic and ironic amidst a tangled maze of references intended to make it impossible to follow for all parties listening, including the ones involved. The best advice you can keep in mind when entering one of these labyrinthine discussions is that they probably known just as little about that they’re talking about a you do: keep nodding and making shit up and you’ll probably the fine. That being said here’s a few guidelines and suggested courses of action to keep in mind when certain favorite indie kid topic come up. Remember, don’t get discouraged, just keep your nose turned up and you’ll be fine.

1. General tone of conversation: One major key to master for conversing with indie kids is the ability to switch between extreme enthusiasm and disdain extremely quickly and convincingly. At more advanced levels it is often required to express both of these simultaneously but once you master the basics all it takes is a little practice and you can calmly rip things you love to shreds to gain the respect of other twits who are doing the same thing. One general tenant of indieness is that it doesn’t matter what you like, if its too cool its not cool, therefore conforming to the un-cool guidelines of indiedom is the only way to be cool and original (If that doesn’t make any sense its because it doesn’t, indie kids are on the whole, idiots). There is a caveat to this rule in which indie kids are allowed one semi-obscure thing that they like, regardless of whether it falls into the boundaries of the indie-bible. This is an attempt to maintain a false front of individuality (unfortunately most people pick the same thing, because if they were original they wouldn’t be slave to the indie).
Summary: Nothing is cool enough for you to really like. Be sarcastic when it comes to everything and you’ll be fine, but remember to tone down the sarcasm when it comes to indie sacred cows.

2. Music: The more obscure the better. Just remember, if its obscure enough to not get played on indie stations or have at least 30,000 views on you tube, or at least sound like something indie kids know, they won’t approve. A list of bands indie kids approve of are The Shins, The Strokes, Beck, Vampire Weekend, Radiohead, Passion Pit, Arctic Monkeys, Dr. Dogg, Flight of the Concords, Wilco, or Spoon. Bands such as Coldplay, Weezer, The Killers and other bands that started out semi-famous and then hit upon stardom are acceptable but just remember the number one rule of thumb for indie music…
“Yeah they’re good, but their early stuff was better than the new album.”
A secondary rule similar to this is…
“I liked them before they became really big. It‘s kind of annoying now because they get played so much.”
Other non mainstream bands that are on soundtracks are often okay as well. Take the Pixies for example. Since they were on the Fight Club soundtrack and not terribly popular they are acceptable fodder. Be careful venturing into this territory however and stick to big songs that most people know by them. In the case of the Pixies its often not safe to stray outside of “Waves of Mutilation,” “Monkey Gone to Heaven,” “Where is My Mind,” and “Hey.” Indie kids will just assume you’re obsessed with them if you mentiont something they haven’t heard of, and since it isn’t in the indie guidelines its not acceptable obsession fodder. If you’re unsure about which songs are acceptable, the first 3-5 songs that show up if you type the band into iTunes are generally a good guideline to follow. An important point to note if you’re looking to ingratiate yourself amongst a group of indie kids it that you will be lauded as something of a visionary if you are able to find bands no one has heard, of but that sound enough like big name indie bands that indie kids won’t get spooked by the fact that its something different, and mention it to them.
Summary: If its popular, its not cool. Unless it was indie first, then it used to be cool.

3. Movies: This is one of the realms where the posturing is most prevalent. Often there will be a LOT of foreign names thrown out that chances are you either haven’t seen or won’t be able to know if you have because the pronunciation is garbled. Fortunately you can just throw out vaguely French/Spanish/German sounding names and get away with it. A quick list of directors to familiarize yourself with before treading these waters are…Wes Anderson, The Cohen brothers (but only the well known stuff), Darren Aronofski, and Guerrmo del Torro. Other than that the vast majority of films will be random independent projects such as… “Garden State,” “Paper Heart,” “Away We Go,” and “Slumdog Millionaire,” “Little Miss Sunshine,” and “Adventureland.” to name a few recent ones. Anything that won an award at the Sundance Film Festival is fair game as well. If you just netflix a couple independent dramas or romantic comedies you’ll be fine. Another thing to know is that often indie kids will discuss things like symbolism, pacing, cinematography, framing, plot holes, etc. Don’t worry, they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Just throw in some random comments that sound vaguely like what they’re saying and then act indignant while implying that by even asking they’re incredibly stupid if they question you and you’ll be fine. Score bonus points by mentioning either of these movies, “Love Ludlow” or “The Science of Sleep.” They won’t have seen them but they ooze indie kid. Especially good for trying to get the attention of female idies.
Summary: Sundance, Sundance, Sundance. Sundance s’more. Foreign films too, they capture life in a way American films can’t you know.

4.Visual Art: Lots of photography and modern art. The indie rule applies that they won’t know much in depth about anything they’re discussing and if you just make stuff up they won’t know, because they don’t really know what they’re talking about. Ways to impress indies regarding such subjects are to make oneself knowledgeable about different kinds of digital cameras and Photoshop techniques. Keep a variety of pictures of inanimate objects, landscapes, and people with a variety of different effects on your laptop and act like its just a silly hobby when people ask: you’re not really serious about it.
Summary: Indie kids will spout lots of terms and technical jibberish regarding artwork, especially their own, fortunately none of them have any originality or much talent so just gird your comments with sarcasm so that they can’t tell whether you’re actually complimenting or insulting them and make it up as you go.

5. Literature: Indie kids love modern or modern-ish authors that fly under the radar but not terribly far under the radar. Ayn Rand/Chuck Palahniuk/John Steinbeck and similar authors are high on indie lists, as well as authors of books that indie films are based on (though whether they will have read those books or not is questionable). Indie kids like to discuss themes and styles as opposed to symbols and literary techniques (too difficult to understand). Poetry follows the same ideas and is big amongst indie kids, poets that are big but not to the point where you learn about them in school (E.E. Cummings, Robert Frost, etc). Short stories are big indie fodder as well because they tend not to be read as much as novels and such.
Summary: Pretty much the same as all the other form of art, pretend to be knowledgeable and for all practical purposes you will be.

Indie Chicks: Better dressed than sororstitutes (in our opinion at least) but about as dumb conversing with indie chicks is at often slightly more entertaining because of the fact that some indie stuff is pretty good (compared to sororstitute’s taste in everything terrible). Not to mention the fact that with the right knowledge of indie culture and namedropping along with a well honed sense of sarcasm can net you indie chicks easily. Make a few sarcastic jokes at the expense of other people, mention a few big name indie things, acknowledge her “excellent” taste in indie culture and invite her to watch an indie flick. Once you get alone, keep up a sarcastic edge and you should have it in the bag.