The "Relationship:"
The romance between the protagonists of this masterpiece of mediocrity is something that deserves special attention, since it will inevitably be the defining romance of my generation. Fortunately, the huge amount of depth contained within these two kindred souls adds to the complexities of their relationship making for a truly memorable, emotional, and not to mention passionate journey. Bella and Edward were destined for each other simply by their shared interests alone, not to mention the lust they have for each other that the reader is constantly given helpful reminders of. Edward, immortal vampire who is a piano virtuoso, expert chef, literary savant, medical trainee and virtual master of any conceivable skill. Bella fits well into these interests with her lack of interest in any kind of music, odd (some would say stereotypically teenage) affection for her beater of a truck, and mild literary floundering. Edward's concern over and dislike for Bella's truck only makes her attachment to it more endearing and in no way takes away one of two possible potential interests they could share and instead leads Bella to fill that hole with her werewolf best friend eventually causing conflict throughout the book. And even though its never explicitly stated we can infer that Edward would find Bella's extremely shallow literary knowledge endearing and would in no way get frustrated with being unable to discuss the vast majority of what he's read with her.
Their relationship is pretty much based solely on lust, which still makes no sense because Bella is described as being very average looking (although she somehow becomes an unbelievably attractive vampire, even for a vampire, because magic). This pretty much is just the author exploiting the desire to be with a perfect person without any real reason to back it up.
Fuck it. I'm tired of this. The rest of this is going to be very condensed. They only talk about how much they like each other when they're with each other, they don't discuss WHY because there isn't one. They talk about whether they get married or have sex, and Bella negotiates sex for marriage because she's a horny twat like most people my age, this is a bullshit stereotypical high school relationship that makes no sense and is extremely annoying. She tortures her "best friend" the werewolf for no reason, continuing to lead him on even after Edward impregnates her. She claims she loves the vampire boy but then leads on her werewolf friend and even REALIZES WHAT SHE'S DOING yet claims she can't help it because she loves Jacob too much. Bella is a selfish bitch that makes nonsensical decisions (keeping vampire baby that would logically kill her if not for the magical deus-ex juice that is venom). There's a random death at the end that serves to cause anguish to minor characters we don't care about (not that the reader cares about ANY of the characters) and ultimately is pretty much just shock value. It turns out there somehow there were also other vampire human babies that no one knew about which unravels the evil vampires support because it cuts through the veil of their lies because magic and UGH.
Not that you didn't already know this but this book is fucking stupid. Hopefully this helped put HOW stupid it actually is in perspective if you cared. Lastly, the fact that this romance is idealized by so many people of all ages is ridiculous in my mind. There are so many more realistic and still more dynamic and loving relationships from our(ish) generation. My example, Jesse Custer and Tulip. Way fucking better.
Next time: Formulaic whining and general craziness. I'll go into the amazing and awful mess that is Neon Genesis Evangelion!
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