"You forgot about one thing..." Twilight Part 2

The "Relationship:"
The romance between the protagonists of this masterpiece of mediocrity is something that deserves special attention, since it will inevitably be the defining romance of my generation. Fortunately, the huge amount of depth contained within these two kindred souls adds to the complexities of their relationship making for a truly memorable, emotional, and not to mention passionate journey. Bella and Edward were destined for each other simply by their shared interests alone, not to mention the lust they have for each other that the reader is constantly given helpful reminders of. Edward, immortal vampire who is a piano virtuoso, expert chef, literary savant, medical trainee and virtual master of any conceivable skill. Bella fits well into these interests with her lack of interest in any kind of music, odd (some would say stereotypically teenage) affection for her beater of a truck, and mild literary floundering. Edward's concern over and dislike for Bella's truck only makes her attachment to it more endearing and in no way takes away one of two possible potential interests they could share and instead leads Bella to fill that hole with her werewolf best friend eventually causing conflict throughout the book. And even though its never explicitly stated we can infer that Edward would find Bella's extremely shallow literary knowledge endearing and would in no way get frustrated with being unable to discuss the vast majority of what he's read with her.

Their relationship is pretty much based solely on lust, which still makes no sense because Bella is described as being very average looking (although she somehow becomes an unbelievably attractive vampire, even for a vampire, because magic). This pretty much is just the author exploiting the desire to be with a perfect person without any real reason to back it up.
Fuck it. I'm tired of this. The rest of this is going to be very condensed. They only talk about how much they like each other when they're with each other, they don't discuss WHY because there isn't one. They talk about whether they get married or have sex, and Bella negotiates sex for marriage because she's a horny twat like most people my age, this is a bullshit stereotypical high school relationship that makes no sense and is extremely annoying. She tortures her "best friend" the werewolf for no reason, continuing to lead him on even after Edward impregnates her. She claims she loves the vampire boy but then leads on her werewolf friend and even REALIZES WHAT SHE'S DOING yet claims she can't help it because she loves Jacob too much. Bella is a selfish bitch that makes nonsensical decisions (keeping vampire baby that would logically kill her if not for the magical deus-ex juice that is venom). There's a random death at the end that serves to cause anguish to minor characters we don't care about (not that the reader cares about ANY of the characters) and ultimately is pretty much just shock value. It turns out there somehow there were also other vampire human babies that no one knew about which unravels the evil vampires support because it cuts through the veil of their lies because magic and UGH.
Not that you didn't already know this but this book is fucking stupid. Hopefully this helped put HOW stupid it actually is in perspective if you cared. Lastly, the fact that this romance is idealized by so many people of all ages is ridiculous in my mind. There are so many more realistic and still more dynamic and loving relationships from our(ish) generation. My example, Jesse Custer and Tulip. Way fucking better.

Next time: Formulaic whining and general craziness. I'll go into the amazing and awful mess that is Neon Genesis Evangelion!

On Twilight

Before I begin this I'd like to establish some things. First things first, I have only read the fourth book in this series (the details of WHY I embarked on this painful venture I would be more than willing to share but have no relevance to this discussion) and am basing everything following on my reading of only that book. Second, I am not trying to bash twilight based on its literary merit, style, etc. I am not an expert on literature and don't feel that I would be justified in discussing it on those merits (although in my opinion it WASN'T very good at all based on those merits). What I am attempting to do in this (hopefully series) is to point out the plot holes and things that I found comically nonsensical and offended my common sense as a human being.
Plot Holes:
One of the biggest plot holes in my opinion was that Edward could get Bella pregnant. Firstly, the fact that Edward is a vampire with no blood would make the logistics of the act in general a bit tricky since the male reproductive organ requires CIRCULATION to work, but if you want to explain it away with venom or vampire magic or whatever, since they never go into it in the book. The huge problem I have is in the way that the infertility of female vampires is explained in the book. Supposedly, no one ever had any way of knowing whether male vampires are fertile or not, because female vampires are infertile due to being frozen in the exact time they become vampire. Since they are frozen in time they no longer go through menstrual cycles, etc. This is the reasoning the book gives for female vampires infertility.
The one problem with this?
THIS WOULD MEAN MALE VAMPIRES ARE INFERTILE TOO.
I'm sure most semi-intelligent people know this but apparently Ms. Meyer doesn't so I'm going to spell this out. Both male and female reproductive systems work on a very basic and fundamental level in the same way. Cells meios and produce gametes (sperm and egg cells for their respective genders). This means that if females can't produce eggs males can't produce sperm. Therefore, the entire premise of this book is contradictory and impossible.
Bella's Powers:
How fortunate that when Bella became a vampire her power manifested itself in a shield that could conveniently shield against the major threats the antagonists posed and conveniently she grasped how to extend the shield to protect everyone in their party, decisively defeating the antagonists. The entire "epic" final battle is a huge series of conveniences and Dragon Ball Z esque power level (without any of the ridiculous epicness) rises for no real reason except anger and "the power of love" the most bullshit way of writing yourself out of corners ever. And even though the shield kind of makes sense (because Edward can't read her mind before) but the fact that she can extend it has no explanation other than plot convenience.
That's all for now internet.
Next time, we finish Twilight.
Next in the series: Neon Genesis Evangelion (the what the fuck show that is awful, then amazing)